Crazy Birds... WTF... Are the birds all suicidal?

OK, I have a question... Have you noticed these freaky ass kamikaze birds? Last week on the very same day I managed to hit a bird who flew in front of my car while taking my Son to school, then that afternoon on the way to pick him up, a freak occurrence had another flying INTO MY CAR! Yes INSIDE... I was doing 55MPH and had my passenger window down about 4". This crazy ass bird flew through the opening, HIT ME IN THE HEAD, & fell behind me into my chair! Do you understand the odds of a bird flying through a 4" opening of a passenger window of a car doing 55MPH?!?! REALLY???  And I was quite proud of myself for the way I handled it with my 2 year old in the car...  No, I didn't scream, or swear like a truck driver... Probably because I am a little nuts and was just pissed that I killed or maimed yet another living thing that day... So instead, I said very loudly at whoever up there has the sick ass sense of humor, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!"  I then found a place to pull over on the side of the road... all the while knowing there is this bird wedged between my seat & my ass... Praying like hell there was no blood & that it was dead because what the hell would I do with a maimed animal?!?!   Thank the powers that be, it was dead, blood free, and actually looked as if it fell asleep sun bathing... no shit... (see photos below.)

Later that day my LP, who had never hit an animal before, called to tell me she hit a bird too!!!    WTF???

And still, even as I type this, these little suckers are playing "Beat the car" or "dive bomb the car" on a daily basis and just this morning had I not slowed quickly, I am quite sure there would be more victims to speak of!!! 
As you can see I took a photo with my cell, because it was just too freaky!! Not to mention when I told the story people would think I had lost my mind had I not provided proof!!!

This shows how far down the window was... Impressive @ 55MPH..

Here is poor "tweety"...  And yes, this is exactly how he ended up...
I was only willing to touch him once to place him gently on the road side.... 
"RIP Tweety"

Hope everyone has a fabulous weekend!!

Namaste' & PEACE OUT!

Franki Lynn

21 day cleanse... get ready for the Bitch + couponing update

Ya so, because I don't feel as if I am going though enough emotional stuff... Why not throw a food cleanse in the mix.  My LP & I have decided to try this 21 day vegan body cleanse by Kathy Freston. She was on Oprah a while back...

Why not... right?  Why not remove the things I use most for emotional comfort and fulfillment... Why not?    Here's how I am choosing to view this...  I am already emotionally screwed up, and bitchy...  so this will be the perfect time to do it and just get it all over with at the same time.  Maybe it will force me to look at the feelings instead of stuffing them with food! hmmmm ... there's an idea!   Also we will be adding treadmill time to our new and improved life plan, and a goal of running in a race this summer.   Again, why not?   She & I plan to blog about it on a joint blog, so I will be setting up another account for that, but will also include it here for your entertainment.  I am sure the first week will be full of peaceful loving thoughts as I give up all coffee, caffeine, meat, sugar, gluten, and basically most every food I love.   Doesn't it sound like fun?   How do I let her talk me into this shit?  She makes it sound like the best adventure EVER!!!  And then ends it with... "It's only 21 days of our however many years of life we live... lets do something good with it! "   So ya... I caved.
It is Wednesday.... 1 day before the cleanse... all I have done for 48 hours is think of all the things I cannot have and freak out that I will have nothing filling to eat the next 21 days.  As of this morning I was in full panic mode as I realized TODAY IS MY LAST CUP OF COFFEE!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!  OK, now it is a little too real!  I have avoided reading the book because I guess I figured if I read it, that would mean I was going to do it and it would become reality.  Well... unless I want to starve I guess it is time to crack the pages, (Well the kindle that is... no pages needed..)  I have a hubby who is cheering me on and who is even willing to take this crazy train with us.  I guess I had better start meal planning so I can hit the grocery store tonight.  Either that or live on brown rice and oatmeal.... 

As for the coupon thing... I have been trying it a little at a time and had my most successful trip last week.  I saved almost 50% on that trip.  It felt pretty darn good!  I am thinking about biting the bullet and getting the Sunday papers, as well as the Tuesday paper for the coupons and making this into a weekly thing.  I am just scratching the surface of how it all works, and I have YET to figure out how to get a FREE item... but I have hope!  Wish me luck.



Oh ya & I died my hair black cherry... it is purple... yup... purple... weird thing is.  I like it.  :)

That is all for now. I am making up for all the guilt I feel for the long ass break I took from my blog.  I started it for me, but I feel an obligation to those who find there way here & actually like it or find something in it that helps them.




Have a great week!




Namaste' & PEACE OUT!

Franki Lynn

2 nuts shy of Crazy...

Nothing like waiting a full month to write again, huh?  Well to be honest with you... and myself, I didn't have much to say.  I was drowning in my own self pity and self hatred and just feeling like a useless slug.   Who am I to write about the shit in my head that has more to do with "my reality" and less to do with REALITY.   I was and to a point still am in a bit of a slump.  I have had a couple of bright moments, but the darkness has overtaken the light on a regular basis.     I want to understand where it all is coming from.  I know what sparked it all to begin, but it was always there.  I had it tucked away in a nice little compartment in an old rusty trunk with a HUGE sign marked, "DO NOT OPEN!!! EVER!!!"    Then I had a falling out with my Mom.  I felt all those abandonment issues bubble up into my chest and began once again to believe the lies.  (My lies are those voices that say, "Your Mom never wanted you.  She hates you. You aren't worthy of anybodies love.  You don't deserve happiness or joy.  You are a bad person and should be punished. You never do enough! You will NEVER be enough!!! EVER!!!"  etc... etc... etc...)   The list of voices from my shadow is endless.     You see, my Mom had me only to save a failing marriage which failed anyway and at 3 months old it was done.  She cried when she saw me after I was born and told them she didn't want me because I was a red head freckled baby. She then went into a deep depression and hardly picked me up or took care of me for months.   The stories I have heard are that my Aunts would come by daily and check on me, change the diaper I had been in all day, refill the sour or empty bottle from my crib, and repeat the next day.   Back then nobody understood Post-Partum and they all did the best they could.   Funny thing about all of that is I never used it as an excuse to not be strong or be happy.  I lived my life anyway and took pride in my life.   I tucked it away as a "story I once heard" and locked it up tight.  Somewhere deep down I guess it hurt, but I am great at compartmentalizing so it just became a compartment I stayed out of.    .......................until our fight last month.   :(    Without getting into the details of it all, lets just say she and I are very much alike in some ways, (stubborn, fiery Aries, we speak our minds and sometimes from a place of emotion instead of intellect. and we self sabotage although for different reasons.)  but, in other ways we are miles apart...  
By the end of our conversation, she had said that I was no longer welcome in her life and not to bother coming to her funeral either... (I left out the "colorful words")     At some level I know it was her pain talking, but it still cut right through my heart.  I felt that "Not being wanted or good enough" feeling creep out of that compartment and blow the whole thing all to hell.  I yelled at her and told her she was being unfair and unrealistic.  I told her that I had to put my kids first and that she needed to stop having double standards when it came to her kids.   (You see, I live almost 5 hours from her, but I call her weekly to check in and make sure things are OK.  I send her things when I can and I visit as much as I can afford a hotel because she has "strangers" staying in her home making it  "unavailable" for my kids to safely stay over night.  And yet, our conversation was about how once again... I AM NOT DOING ENOUGH.  I don't visit enough... the phone calls don't mean shit because I am not right there in front of her so I must not care.   But the one child she has who completely disrespects her very existence, is the one who lives there and is the reason for so much of her stress and troubles, and yet... he is always and forever the "victim who needs saving".   I am just the bitch daughter who doesn't care about her.  Although, now that my Sister has moved away and lives closer to me, she has also joined the ranks of "Bitch Daughter who doesn't give a shit."  Welcome to the club Sissy.)

OK, I got off track a bit on that rant... sorry.     My point is... what is my point?  Well, I guess it is trying to work out WHY I allowed those feeling to come back into my life and my body.   I KNOW in my head she loves me. But my heart cannot keep up with it all and the FEELING isn't LOVE that I get from her.  The FEELING she gives me is JUDGMENT, DISAPPOINTMENT, REJECTION, SADNESS, and HURT.  

So my head and heart have been just a little fucked up these past few weeks, and I haven't been much good to anyone.    As I am typing this, I have had a realization that a friend of mine whom is going through a lot right now has also brought up those same feelings in me...  I realize that every time I speak to her I feel as if I am not doing enough, being enough and the unspoken judgment and disappointment is tangible.   Honestly though... I TRULY am doing the best I can with what I have.  I don't have more... I am hole... empty... unfilled and she needs more from me than I have available to give emotionally or financially...   So once again I have those FEELINGS come up...    I spoke to my husband about it all and yes, I know I need to find someone to "Work this out with".  But I have also tried "Talk therapy" and it does NOT work for me.  So I am hunting for the right place to try to heal my heart & soul.  I want to be happy again. Have joy.  Be inspired...   I am tired of faking my happiness around my family, kids, and friends.  For now I will fake it till I make it, but that is a band-aid at best... I am shutting myself off from anyone who makes me feel worse about myself... I haven't phoned my Mom although I did for Mothers Day.  (It was such an uncomfortable forced conversation.  Like she was forcing herself to even talk to me or be nice... IT HURT.)  I haven't called her since, although I worry about her multiple times a day, but I keep my distance as a protective measure to keep myself from spiraling back into that darkness place. I am numb and staying that way.  I cannot afford to allow myself to go there right now.  I have to be a Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend...  and I am having a hard enough time at that...
I have a few ideas lined up for alternative therapies, and here's hoping one of them works out!  Something has to give here... I am hanging by a thread.......

Namaste' & PEACE OUT

Franki Lynn

The Good, The Bad & The CONFUSING (Guns, Idiots, & Coupons)

We have had illness running AMOK in our home, so I apologize for the hiatus from the blog... 

The Good:
I am currently taking a 6 week Ladies Handgun Safety class with my LP. We just finished week 2 and we finally started to actually shoot.  It was so damn fun and for the first time EVER, I wasn't afraid of the guns.  I think it was because I had a real understanding of every part of it.  They spent the 1st week & part of the 2nd week breaking it all down into basic pieces and rules to be safe.  I can actually take one apart and put it together.  I am not ignorant about guns.  We have been target shooting and had guns for years.  But there was always this uneasiness about them & once we had kids, I became a freak about it.  Didn't even want them out around the children.  (And YES, we have gun safes and keep everything separate etc... we are very responsible about it. And yet... I still had issues.)    I think this fear comes from ignorance for me & others who have irrational fears about having guns in your home.   I believe now even after just a small bit of education, I feel safer and more prepared to keep those I love safe if ever the situation arises.     

As for the actual shooting part.  I found out that I feel very comfortable shooting, and I am not too bad!   It was empowering and felt good to do well at something I was so nervous about.   I started with a semi-auto 22, and next week I will try the revolvers.  (I have always shot semi-autos, so the revolver will be interesting.)   This has been a very good lesson and I am having a blast!  I will be sad when the 6 weeks is over... But I am sure I will continue to shoot and learn about it.  I am way to damn good to let this talent go to waist!  LMAO    Kidding... but I am having a blast!

The Bad:
Where to start...  Well, I have had a few stressful situations the past few weeks and the one that affected me the most was a surprise.  We had company over spring break & a family member/niece brought a boyfriend with her whom I had never met.  He came into our home and he tinkered with personal items, yelled at our dogs, push them around, and treated most everyone with little to no respect. Needless to say, By day 2 of the 4 days I was at my end and basically insisted he BE NICE, or get the fuck out of my home... (In so many words.)   It was very hard to see my niece being treated like an object and most of the time he was tearing her down.   I had boyfriends like him when I was younger and I had little self respect & figured that was all I deserved.   I pray she is smarter than I was and can see early on that she is amazing and deserves to have someone who builds her up and wants to be a part of her life and a partner, not someone who want to own her like a toy to show off, then tuck away from everyone.   Makes me sad for her.  Thank god when it came time for me to settle and get married I got it right.  I have the best partner a girl could ask for.

The Confusing:
So I am sure some of you may have seen those Extreme Coupon people on TLC... Well, I myself am one of the people who are just dumbfounded by the world of coupons and all the rules and lingo.  I would LOVE to learn, but it seems the more I read the more confusing it gets!  Seriously, is there a college coarse I can take??? Is there a degree I can get?! Are those people genetically engineered to understand it?
I would LOVE to save even half of my grocery costs for our family, so I am determined to keep plugging along through all the information and start to make what I like to call "TRIAL RUNS" to the store.  I plan to blog about my success and my failures/"learning opportunities" and welcome feedback from those of you who have been blessed with the coupon gene. 


Sorry for the leave of absents in Crazy Land, HOWEVER!!!!  On the up side, I am dealing with major drama in my life/family AND will be attending a large Beltane camp out in 2 weeks with all my crazy Pagan Hippie friends, so I should have PLENTY to blog about over the next 2-4 weeks...

Here's hoping for sunshine the rest of the month! 

Namaste" & PEACE OUT!

Franki Lynn