2 nuts shy of Crazy...

Nothing like waiting a full month to write again, huh?  Well to be honest with you... and myself, I didn't have much to say.  I was drowning in my own self pity and self hatred and just feeling like a useless slug.   Who am I to write about the shit in my head that has more to do with "my reality" and less to do with REALITY.   I was and to a point still am in a bit of a slump.  I have had a couple of bright moments, but the darkness has overtaken the light on a regular basis.     I want to understand where it all is coming from.  I know what sparked it all to begin, but it was always there.  I had it tucked away in a nice little compartment in an old rusty trunk with a HUGE sign marked, "DO NOT OPEN!!! EVER!!!"    Then I had a falling out with my Mom.  I felt all those abandonment issues bubble up into my chest and began once again to believe the lies.  (My lies are those voices that say, "Your Mom never wanted you.  She hates you. You aren't worthy of anybodies love.  You don't deserve happiness or joy.  You are a bad person and should be punished. You never do enough! You will NEVER be enough!!! EVER!!!"  etc... etc... etc...)   The list of voices from my shadow is endless.     You see, my Mom had me only to save a failing marriage which failed anyway and at 3 months old it was done.  She cried when she saw me after I was born and told them she didn't want me because I was a red head freckled baby. She then went into a deep depression and hardly picked me up or took care of me for months.   The stories I have heard are that my Aunts would come by daily and check on me, change the diaper I had been in all day, refill the sour or empty bottle from my crib, and repeat the next day.   Back then nobody understood Post-Partum and they all did the best they could.   Funny thing about all of that is I never used it as an excuse to not be strong or be happy.  I lived my life anyway and took pride in my life.   I tucked it away as a "story I once heard" and locked it up tight.  Somewhere deep down I guess it hurt, but I am great at compartmentalizing so it just became a compartment I stayed out of.    .......................until our fight last month.   :(    Without getting into the details of it all, lets just say she and I are very much alike in some ways, (stubborn, fiery Aries, we speak our minds and sometimes from a place of emotion instead of intellect. and we self sabotage although for different reasons.)  but, in other ways we are miles apart...  
By the end of our conversation, she had said that I was no longer welcome in her life and not to bother coming to her funeral either... (I left out the "colorful words")     At some level I know it was her pain talking, but it still cut right through my heart.  I felt that "Not being wanted or good enough" feeling creep out of that compartment and blow the whole thing all to hell.  I yelled at her and told her she was being unfair and unrealistic.  I told her that I had to put my kids first and that she needed to stop having double standards when it came to her kids.   (You see, I live almost 5 hours from her, but I call her weekly to check in and make sure things are OK.  I send her things when I can and I visit as much as I can afford a hotel because she has "strangers" staying in her home making it  "unavailable" for my kids to safely stay over night.  And yet, our conversation was about how once again... I AM NOT DOING ENOUGH.  I don't visit enough... the phone calls don't mean shit because I am not right there in front of her so I must not care.   But the one child she has who completely disrespects her very existence, is the one who lives there and is the reason for so much of her stress and troubles, and yet... he is always and forever the "victim who needs saving".   I am just the bitch daughter who doesn't care about her.  Although, now that my Sister has moved away and lives closer to me, she has also joined the ranks of "Bitch Daughter who doesn't give a shit."  Welcome to the club Sissy.)

OK, I got off track a bit on that rant... sorry.     My point is... what is my point?  Well, I guess it is trying to work out WHY I allowed those feeling to come back into my life and my body.   I KNOW in my head she loves me. But my heart cannot keep up with it all and the FEELING isn't LOVE that I get from her.  The FEELING she gives me is JUDGMENT, DISAPPOINTMENT, REJECTION, SADNESS, and HURT.  

So my head and heart have been just a little fucked up these past few weeks, and I haven't been much good to anyone.    As I am typing this, I have had a realization that a friend of mine whom is going through a lot right now has also brought up those same feelings in me...  I realize that every time I speak to her I feel as if I am not doing enough, being enough and the unspoken judgment and disappointment is tangible.   Honestly though... I TRULY am doing the best I can with what I have.  I don't have more... I am hole... empty... unfilled and she needs more from me than I have available to give emotionally or financially...   So once again I have those FEELINGS come up...    I spoke to my husband about it all and yes, I know I need to find someone to "Work this out with".  But I have also tried "Talk therapy" and it does NOT work for me.  So I am hunting for the right place to try to heal my heart & soul.  I want to be happy again. Have joy.  Be inspired...   I am tired of faking my happiness around my family, kids, and friends.  For now I will fake it till I make it, but that is a band-aid at best... I am shutting myself off from anyone who makes me feel worse about myself... I haven't phoned my Mom although I did for Mothers Day.  (It was such an uncomfortable forced conversation.  Like she was forcing herself to even talk to me or be nice... IT HURT.)  I haven't called her since, although I worry about her multiple times a day, but I keep my distance as a protective measure to keep myself from spiraling back into that darkness place. I am numb and staying that way.  I cannot afford to allow myself to go there right now.  I have to be a Mom, Wife, Sister, Friend...  and I am having a hard enough time at that...
I have a few ideas lined up for alternative therapies, and here's hoping one of them works out!  Something has to give here... I am hanging by a thread.......

Namaste' & PEACE OUT

Franki Lynn