Getting real! Screw it... it's time to be me!

So, I have been off the Blog for brief time dealing with family and my furry family, (Had to say goodbye to my 17 yr old cat & even worse had to make the choice to have him put to sleep as we held him and cried together... ).
SO... I know I need to get back to writing, but I have felt anything BUT inspired to write. My emotions are so connected to my writing, that it seems like when shit hits the fan, I just try to shut down so I don't have to "feel" it all.   Well, that isn't really working for me any longer... It seems that all it does is turn me into a powder keg ready to blow at the most inappropriate times... NOT good.  Just ask my friends and family who get to be on the receiving end of it all...
Mulling over why I am feeling so angry and frustrated and tired and pissed off, I wondered how I can possibly deal with all these emotions??? Then I had a thought.  If I need to express it in a healthy way, why not write about it?  "Hey dumb-ass!!! Why not use this blog for exactly what you had intended it for!!!???"  
A very dear friend of mine, Rickie Lee, (My hetero-life-partner, I call her LP for short...) pointed out that although she enjoys reading my blog, she KNOWS I am holding back...  she is right.  Trying to always be PC and not OFFEND anyone does require me to "hold back" some of those feelings, emotions, and "Random Thoughts From Crazy Land"...   What the hell am I doing?  Well, no more!  From here on out I will write the very thoughts that I have & damned the judgement... By me or by you! This is my crazy ass life and these are my crazy ass thoughts and I have to be true to that! Like me or not, read it or not... At least I am being true to who I am and owning my own thoughts & feelings.  The whole reason for sharing them was for those who may be in the same dark or strange places I find myself in... maybe ,just maybe, helping someone else who might be going through this shit too... Just knowing you are not alone in it can be the lifeline for me... and maybe even for you...

SOOOO, on that note, I really need to get the last few days out...
Here's what I wanna know.   Why do they call it "Putting your pet to sleep?"  It is nothing like sleep.  Only 4 months ago, I had to watch my 16 yr old Chihuahua die.  She was almost gone by the time we got to the vet, then I sat there, caressing her as they finished the process for her. It was not sleep! It is for fucking EVER!  She was my "baby" as much as my own children are now. Some wont understand & some will... I feel sad for those who do not... you are missing out on the one true place you can get UNCONDITIONAL love.  Animals have no conditions... they just know how to love & they live to be loved back!
All those years ago when we could not have a baby, she was my saving grace.  My little Princess.  I miss her so much it still shreds my heart to pieces when I allow the feelings in.  And now only two days ago I had to do the same for our Cat, Fido, only he was NOT out of it.. He was very aware of where we were and was not sickly... yet.  :( 

Getting her bath...

<<<He was Our Chihuahua's best friend who would give her a nightly bath and put up with her feisty ways as she nipped at him demanding he bath her! And he did.
I want so badly to believe they are together now.  It would make losing them a little easier if I could only KNOW FOR SURE.  This is where my lack of faith hits me like a Mac Truck.  I envy those who blindly accept faith in life after death. I wish I could... But, no, I can't.

I have a hard time thinking about the moment they actually died.  What was that like for them?  For Her she was very out of it... but for him.... I know he was scared & nervous.  And they rip your heart out when they look at you with those questioning eyes, as I wonder to myself, "What is he thinking? Feeling? Does he hate me for doing this? Does he understand it is because we love him and do not want him to suffer?"    Then as you watch them slip away from you for the very last time and you think you might die from the massive pain in your heart, you are left walking away without them... having to leave their body forever.
Today it doesn't seem real... Wasn't he just in my lap only days ago nuzzling my arm demanding me to scratch his chin and ears?  This isn't real.  I will wake up soon... It will all just be a dream.  I WISH!
 know the stages of grief all too well.  I have buried too many family members not to be quite acquainted with death and the process.  I even took a class for being a Hospice volunteer, but after losing my 1st patient I felt like the biggest hypocrite because "how can I sit here calmly with them projecting it will all be OK, when inside I truly have no idea if that is true?"  HYPOCRITE!!!   So I stopped volunteering. :(
With my Chihuahua Peanut, I went right to that sobbing heart wrenching grief and could not stop crying... (Much like her personality...)  But with our cat, Fido, I was sad, hurt, but very pissed off... I went right to anger...  (Also reflecting his feisty personality..) I know DH has been very angry too.  Fido was more his cat than anyone's.  "His BOY"  And this from a guy who never wanted a cat but agreed because I batted my eyes at him till he said yes... Joke was on me though... He never had a cat before, only dogs, so he treated him like a dog.  Taught him to fetch, took him for walks on a leash, he named him FIDO for shit sakes!   And Fido acted more like a dog than a cat.  He guarded our home better than all 3 dogs put together.  He was pissy with guests he didn't know and SUCH A LOVE when it was just us.  People missed out on that side of him, and we were BLESSED to have it. In the end... DH got his dog after all because there was nothing "Cat" about our Fido...
So... here we are... Hurting, mad, and generally just going through the motions... Our hearts are battered, and aching... so ya,  it pretty much sucks ass and I hate the reality that we have a Shepard who is 17 yrs old and slowing very quickly, & a boxer who is 10.   I hate that I cannot stop the hands of time...  I see US aging, my kids growing faster than the speed of light and when it all gets too real,  I begin to literally have a panic attack.   I just need it to slow down or stop for just a moment.  Long enough to catch my breath... regroup... find peace in it all somehow... but no, the world keeps spinning and I am left holding on for dear life.

I pray you are both at peace and somewhere together... waiting... for us.